Dazed and Confused

“These are dark times, there is no denying.”

I’m afraid to pick up my 10 month old son. This is the biggest smack in the face MS has ever given me. Whenever I abruptly move my head the dizziness kicks in and I have to wait a good number of seconds for my head to steady itself. The doctors I’ve spoken to are slow to blame MS as the symptoms could be solely attributed to vertigo. Then, I’ve also been told, it could be a viral infection. Either way, Ted needs his dad and I certainly need him.

I’ve been certified sick off work for 2 weeks. I’m devastated. I have a lovely small second class in an all boys school. I’m just learning my trade but life is constantly putting obstacles in my way to slow down my progress. Maybe I was too cocky when I decided to change career in my mid-30s. MS was never going to go away but I, perhaps foolishly, thought I had got the better of it. Add in ever increasing home and family commitments means I definitely turned my back on the “easy life”.

I look at all the young teachers that I’ve worked with, or went to college with, in their early twenties. They have qualified in a profession where their skills are transferable the whole world over. I admire them. Their drive, commitment and lust for life is something I only had a smidgen of at their age. They have it in spades (although they don’t realise it). On reflection, I had no goal in sight when I was younger. I was happy to work, get paid, go out…. repeat. Now, I have so many goals in sight for myself, my kids, my home and my career that I could give Ronaldo or Messi a run for their money.

Goal number one is stay healthy. In order to stay healthy, I need to get back fighting fit. I’m constantly fatigued but find resting only makes me more tired. Energy creates energy. The GP prescribed me a months worth of tablets for vertigo as well as tablets for the nausea caused by the vertigo. The vertigo tablets seemed to work last month when my vertigo symptoms started to surface. This time round, the same tablets don’t appear to be having the required effect, therefore, another GP (via video consultation) prescribed me alternative vertigo meds.

Now this where I go from not only being dazed but being confused too. The pharmacist advised me the new meds are ridiculously overpriced. Not only that but he has cheaper meds that essentially do the same thing. The pharmacist went back to the GP advising this. As a result, I received a phone call from someone, on behalf of the GP, giving me loads of different options of what course of meds to take.

This was all too much for my fleeting mind to handle. I’ll give the revised meds a chance on a trial basis but I felt like I was being offered a cocktail of medication with the common theme being – just take something until one of them works!

I had a brief stint with vertigo about 5 weeks back. After it subsided, I ran the Dublin Half Marathon as well as doing some other long distance runs in advance as part of my training. I know that when I was diagnosed with MS, and these symptoms were new to me, I regained confidence in my balance by walking long distances every day and cutting back on certain foods and drinks.

This time round, I’m cutting back on caffeine. I had a scare last year when I had involuntary tremors in my forehead. I was sure it was a relapse as my form of MS is known as relapse remitting. After meeting with the GP and then my neurologist, I figured out the tremor was caused by my caffeine intake. A simple test of going a day without coffee, which resulted in the tremors stopping, soon put my relapse fears to bed. Apparently it’s called forehead fasciculation and is quite common. I still have a coffee each morning but that’s nowhere near what I was having. Although, I’m going to try cut it out completely (even decaf) especially during these dizzy days.

Motivation comes in all shapes and sizes. My motivation currently comes in the shape of a 10 month old boy who smells of stinky nappies and could melt your heart with one glimpse of newly forming bottom teeth 🙂

“Your smile makes me smile
Your laugh makes me laugh
Your joy gives me joy
Your hope gives me hope”

The Wolf Is Getting Married – Sinéad O’Connor

Cursed with a Brain

It was around this time in 2014 that my symptoms started to flare up. I was, of course, younger then. Fast forward nine years and I’m 7 years married with 3 children, a new career in teaching, one full marathon and three competitive half marathons complete (and another scheduled for November), I’ve moved from a two bed in Ballybough to a good size family home in Glasnevin with two cars (including the obligatory 7 seater) to boot, I’ve lost some friends and family and gained others over the same time period. A lot has changed for me over the last decade. The only constant appears to be that I still have Multiple Sclerosis.

I didn’t even know what the term chronic illness meant when I was first diagnosed. Over time, it’s become a term I say more often than I care to think about. After getting over the initial shock of my diagnosis, I became very open about having MS. A little too open. Writing became a platform for me to share my story, express my concerns, share knowledge and gain knowledge. Ultimately, I was terrified of what the future had in store and didn’t want to go through it alone.

When diagnosed, as with many people with MS, walking aids and wheelchairs came straight to my mind. I have yet to have a need for these aids. My crutches have taken different forms. Writing has been such a therapeutic way for me to reflect and think positively about my experience. Exercising, particularly running, has made me ask questions of my body and mind that needed to be asked.

Both writing and running have been my crutches but, just like a good book, when they’re put aside for a period of time it’s very difficult to continue where you left off. I completed the Dublin Half Marathon nearly two weeks ago. A great achievement, particularly as I was there with two of my closest friends. The reason why I signed up for the Half Marathon, however, was to encourage myself to train more. Two or three small runs a week would have been sufficient. I rarely did this. Between bad weather, kids and starting a job in a new school, I always had a plausible excuse for not training. I feel I’m paying for that now.

The vertigo symptoms of 2014 are back just like before. I feel wiser and more able than I was at 31. Albeit older and maybe weaker. I’m just off the phone to the doctor, he wants me to go into his surgery for a neurological exam. He’s fearful of me walking to the bus by myself but I assured him that being outside is my therapy. I’m tired and bed is calling me but it is not where I want to be right now. The fight continues.